The Pursuer and the Pursued in Relationships

A common pattern in relationships is that one person is the pursuer and one is the pursued.

One person has a higher need for attention, connection, intimacy, sex, etc. than the other.

It’s easy to think that whichever one you are is normal and your partern is abnormal.

Research shows that most of the time, both people are “within range,” the challenge is how to negotiate the difference in temperaments.

If you’re the pursuer, the person wanting more and feeling frustrated that your partner doesn’t seem to reciprocate your interest, you’re in luck.

There is a lot that you can do.

First, you can get better at soothing yourself, taking care of yourself when your partner isn’t available.

But won’t that lead to just less connection in the relationship?

Maybe at first. But it’s crucial that your partner get in touch with their organic hunger for connection and that you build off of that.

The second thing you can do is instead of constantly negotiating for more of the specific thing that you want, whether physical intimacy or date-nights, words of affirmation, quality time, and so on, speak with your partner about the larger issue—the discrepancy between your desires, and discuss what you can do to help your partner lean into enjoying something they don’t want with the same intensity as you.

Both of these steps require practice, but they are doable.