Fighting for Yourself in Your Relationship

Many people seek couples therapy because of the fighting in their relationship.

They think there’s something wrong with fighting.

Some even fantasize about a relationship where there wouldn’t be conflict.

If there’s no conflict, there’s actually no relationship.

Two distinct beings will inevitably come into conflict as they assert their needs and desires.

The important thing is how you go about doing this.

If you’re scared of conflict, you’ll suppress yourself and smoulder with contempt.

If you get energized by conflict but can’t consider the impact on your partner, you’ll be left wondering why they’re avoiding you.

The key is tough and tender, standing up for yourself and also being generous, forgiving and quick to repair.

This is what I teach people.

In individual therapy, you’re preparing for the conflicts, looking at why you’re getting triggered and how you can take better care of yourself so you can respond to your partner creatively.

In group therapy, you’re practicing what triggers you with strangers. This helps you retrain your nervous system to respond differently. Instead of collapsing, you recover.

If you’re working on your relationship in individual and group therapy, then when it comes to actually engaging your partner in couples therapy, the work is profound. Ideally, you’ve both laid the groundwork for lasting change.