Playing the Game vs Being Authentic

Should you play the game or not?

Play hard to get, follow the rules about dating, don’t appear too interested…

Or “be authentic,” whatever that means.

I don’t think these are actually opposed.

We all work really hard to have more of what feels good and to avoid what feels bad.

Rules are supposed to help with this, to help us choose something that might not feel pleasurable immediately but is better for us in the long-term.

But being authentic is also.

A baby is authentic. Whatever she is feeling, she expresses.

So it can be tempting to think that authenticity means expressing whatever you’re feeling now, acting on every impulse.

But while we all have baby parts of ourselves, we are more than infants.

Authenticity for a grown-up means honoring all the parts you can access.

So if you’re excited to spend time with someone, that should be acknowledged and perhaps acted on.

Unless you’re also nervous about spending time with them.

Most important decisions have a bit of ambiguity and ambivalence around them.

Your nervousness also needs to be honored.

The negotiation between the two may look similar to a rule from a book.

Or it may be different.

The important thing is that you’re listening to as much of yourself as you can.

Group Therapy helps you do this.