The Promises We Make But Cannot Keep: Blue Valentine on Rosh Hashana

One of the key moments of the celebration of the Jewish High Holy Days is the annulment of vows. It was assumed that people made all kinds of vows that they then forgot about or were unable to uphold. Since these unfulfilled vows were the equivalent to “taking the Lord’s name in vain,” annuling them was a big deal.

I was thinking about this as I watched Blue Valentine, a poignant story about Cindy and Dean, who create a family together and then struggle in their relationship. Their vow of marriage is tested, but that in and of itself isn’t news. Isn’t every marriage vow tested at times?

What I saw in the film is something deeper. The most challenging vows to live with are not the promises we make to a partner, they’re the promises we make to ourselves, often without being aware that we’re making them.

Cindy’s father has obvious issues with anger. In one scene Cindy and her mother sit at the dinner table cowed into submission after an inexplicable outburst by her father.

Dean seems the opposite. Much of the film shows him showering their daughter with warmth. Before marrying Dean, Cindy dates a man who is controlling and violent. Over the course of their marriage however, Dean manifests similar behaviors. Why?

Often we’re both drawn to and repulsed by people with the same traits that our parents had that caused us difficulty. The qualities that we found challenging as children make an inexorable imprint. We silently swear to ourselves to never be like or be with people who make us feel similarly ashamed, scared, helpless, enraged and lonely. But we’re attracted to such people anyway. We have a need in our soul to master the situation that was originally overwhelming.

This phrase, “a need in our soul,” may feel a little strange. Carl Jung believed that our mission in life is to become who we are, to express the deep and varied truths that are latent within us. Potential that is not channeled becomes blocked energy and manifests as chronic pain, bad luck, self-sabotage and mental illness.

A Jungian mandala illustrating the sum of psychic potential

Cindy gave up her dream of becoming a doctor and became a nurse instead. She resents Dean’s lack of ambition for himself. While this is a legitimate critique, it comes across as a projection of her disappointment with herself. It’s this projection that ultimately evokes Dean’s rage.

Some vows can’t be annulled. Perhaps Cindy needs to become a doctor, to at least make a plan towards that goal. Or she needs to properly grieve that lost potential and find some way of manifesting that part of her personality.

With the right kind of help, it’s possible Cindy could annul the vow she made as a child. Instead of continuing to feel helpless and trapped by her partner’s frustration, she could honor her own. She could allow herself to be more like her father, instead of needing her partner to play that role. Then her partner would just be another struggling human being, instead of a symbol for her failure. The intensity of her resentment would lessen, freeing up psychic energy that she could invest in herself and in the relationship.